I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
