What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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