we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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