I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
