I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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