My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
