the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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