is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
