You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
