i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
My dick has a subreddit
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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