Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
