my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
