Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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