It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
