is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Randomize
