I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
