we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
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