I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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