If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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