I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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