Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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