Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
