Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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