Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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