I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
