I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
