I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
bring money and cleavage
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
