Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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