We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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