i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
