He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
