Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
