Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
