Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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