I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
