R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
