I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
