I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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