Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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