he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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