You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
