I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
pray to the hookup gods
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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