We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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