eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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