How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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