I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
