I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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