I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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