I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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