Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
