Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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