At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
