she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
