I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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