I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
